"Did Jalene know she was dying?"

I have little post it notes and a pen laying next to my bed.  Some of Rowan's most profound messages come late at night as we are going to bed, or early in the morning when he wakes up from his blessed dreams where he talks to his friends in Heaven.  I jot down what he says, make myself little reminders of Rowan quotes, etc. so I can blog about them later.  At any given time, there are a half dozen or more of these notes, waiting to be shared.  I don't always get the time to do the posts right away, and I don't want to forget the beautiful nuggets of wisdom Rowan shared with me.  Last night, Rowan picked an older one up, from several months ago, and said, "What did I say on this one, I can't read it?" (I'm usually half asleep scribbling them in cursive, when I write them:) I was so glad he picked the one up that he did, and I hope and believe that it was God, urging him to pick up this particular note, because maybe Jalene's Mommy, or someone else, needed to hear this particular message today.  

Rowan had asked me: "Did Jalene know she was dying?  Because she never seemed scared."

I remember telling him that in the beginning she probably didn't, because she was so young, just 4 years old, and that they were just trying to give her the best last days that they could, fulfilling all of her bucket list items, and spending time making memories.  But I explained that eventually, she did know.  Her Mom would give her permission to go to Jesus, so her poor body could rest and be healed, but Jalene would tell her Mommy, "Not yet."

Rowan went on to say, "The second to last time that I saw her at her house awake, she seemed really sick, and I was afraid she would die soon, but then the next time, she ran straight to me and hugged me! Actually she was the first person that hugged me that night."  He paused for a few seconds and then asked me, "Did God do that for me, or for her?"

Then, he decided the answer himself...

"I think God made her so strong, to handle it, even if they had never told her that she was dying, she knew...she knew, but God made her not scared about it.  She knew she was going to see him.  At the end she had to know, so she just rested and slept enough to have energy to run to God this time. And it gave all of us and her family time to say goodbye."

I told Rowan how very smart he was, and how that happens a lot.  I explained how patients on Hospice often do have some more suddenly lucid moments at the end, and that yes, it probably was Gods way of letting people talk to them one more time and make peace before they pass.  Then he said confidently,"I think I know all this stuff that most kids my age don't know, because I've been so sick and had so many surgeries, that I've almost died a couple times too.  So, I'm super close to God, because he's been with me so much.  Sometimes when I 'm really sick, I'm afraid I'll die, but then God is with me, so I know I'll be ok.  And my friends are always there with me too."

Oh Rowan, you blow me away.  Your faith and wisdom beyond your years, make me a better Mommy and a better person.  I find such peace in his explanations of death and dying.  And I'm so happy that God is with you all the time, and that you know you'll be ok.  I pray everyone can feel that same peace in their hearts.

Here are some of the photos from Rowan's last couple of visits with his friend Jalene...before she ran to Jesus...

Here is the night he's talking about when she didn't feel well.  They painted each others hands and made butterfly paintings, but you can see in her face that she was tired and in pain.

The next night, is the one when he said she ran right up to him to hug him.  He brought her their paintings in a frame.  He was excited to see her walking again, and he asks me to look at this picture every once in a while so he can see her smile.  I think it must be his "last good day" memory of her, and how he wants to remember her.

And finally, the last time he saw his friend Jalene...

whispered his sweet goodbyes...

prayed for her to go peacefully...

and blew her a kiss goodbye, before she ran to Jesus.

Rest in peace sweet angel,

in loving memory of Jalene Estella Salinas