Tuesday, September 15, 2015
"180 days with Jesus..."
On the way in to clinic this morning Rowan asked me, out of the blue, how long has Jalene been gone? I told him that today actually marked 6 months exactly. He didn't think that sounded right. He said that it seemed like a lot longer. Then he thought for a minute, and I could see the wheels turning in his brain. He started quietly counting, "30 plus 30 is 60, then 60 plus 60 is 120, then another month is 150...so, 180. 180 days." I told him, "it sounds like a lot more like that, doesn't it?" He agreed, and then he went on, "It's been hard for me to not play with her or do art with her for 180 days, but think about her Mommy. 180 days she hasn't gotten to kiss her goodnight, 180 days she hasn't gotten to tuck her in to bed, 180 days of not seeing her smile...180 days of nothing Jalene." He looked like he might cry for a moment, but then he smiled and said, "but, 180 days with Jesus! 180 days of no pokes. 180 days of no pain. 180 days of no medicine. 180 days of no Cancer. 180 days of Jalene smiling next to Jesus. I'm going to try to think of it that way." I told him that was a nice way to think of her, that it was surely a lot harder for her Mommy than for us, but that it was a nice reminder for all of us. He told me, "Yeah, I'm just glad I can keep seeing Jalene in my dreams and getting messages for her Mommy, that helps her a little at least, right? I'll try to dream of her at clinic today, to see if she has a message for her Mommy today, since I know it's a hard day. Does she know that Jalene can see her? Does she know that she is looking down watching everything?"
I posted on Facebook earlier that Rowan doesn't feel well today, and when we got to his infusion clinic appointment they ended up doing labs, throat cultures, blood cultures, and sinus swab. He was in tears of course, from being messed with so much, especially because he didn't feel good. But, just a few minutes after he fell asleep, he made a little sound. I asked him if he was ok, and pulled back the blanket so I could see his face. This is what he looked like.
I'm hoping this smile means that he is dreaming of his sweet friend Jalene, and that he will have another message for her Mommy, to help get her through this difficult day.
Until you hold your sweet baby again Jen, until she puts her little hand on your face once more, we will be praying for messages and signs, to remind you that Jalene is safe and sound with Jesus, looking down watching everything!
All our love and prayers, on day 180, and every day...