Friday, March 13, 2015
"This is what Jalene's angel looked like Mommy..."
This is what Jalene's angel looked like Mommy...
After yesterday's post, one of Jalene's dearest, closest relatives asked me if I thought Rowan would be able to draw the angel that he saw hovering over Jalene's body last night. I asked Rowan, and he said "I'm not that good of a drawer, but I can try." I mentally reminded myself, not to prompt Rowan or influence him at all while he was drawing. I wanted this to be an honest, organic, true depiction of his vision. He climbed up on the table and sat criss-cross applesauce. Normally, I would never let him sit on the table, but he looked so ready and excited to draw this picture, I just couldn't bring myself to change a thing.
I asked him simple, non-leading questions like "What was her angel wearing?" and "Ok, what color was the dress?". Since he had already mentioned that she had hair though, I accidentally asked him, "Was her hair long and flowy?" (because in my mind that's how I envisioned angels). Rowan immediately told me, "Mom, stop it, I got this. Her hair was short! It was like just down around her ears, and it was really dark." I resisted the urge to make him draw it longer. The funny thing is, neither Rowan or I have ever known or seen Jalene while she had hair...not even in a picture. We only knew her during treatment and after. But, Rowan was adamant that her hair was short and dark, so that is how he drew it.
Rowan took such pride in drawing this picture. He didn't want me interrupting him at all. He was focused, determined, and confident in his drawing. In the end he said, "Yep, that's her. That's Jalene's angel. That's what I saw."
And in the end...he blew it a kiss, just like he blew Jalene a final kiss last night.
He explained things in detail to me. She was definitely barefooted. She was wearing a dress. He worked long and hard on her mouth because he said, "She has the prettiest lips, they were big and bright and pink." After he reworked them a few times, he said "Yeah, like this." He told me it was hard to explain the light. I asked why and he said, "Well, she was a little fuzzy, but bright at the same time, and if you drew a line all around her a couple inches it was even brighter, like glowing everywhere close to her." Then he told me, "Oh, and her wings fit her". I asked what he meant by that, and he told me, "Not like when they show huge feather wings that are bigger than an angels body, her wings were her size."
You have no idea the emotions going through my mind. Pride and joy at the faith and surety my son was expressing. Sadness and heartbreak that he was actually having to draw his little friend in her next life. And a little shock and awe, I have to admit. It isn't every day that you watch your child draw something that only they saw. It was surreal, but I did my best to just let him express himself freely, and explain it in his own words.
Afterwards, I asked if I could send the drawing to Roxi. Rowan said, "No, I need to make it colorful. It won't look right without all it's colors". He needed a break, so I let him have it. He has his own health issues that plague him, and he wasn't feeling well enough to continue at that time. It made me realize that I can only imagine how emotionally taxing this must be on him too, whether he shows it or not, so I told him to rest for a little bit.
My curiosity was killing me though, especially about the hair. Me, being a very OCD, controlling type person (yes, I can admit it:), still felt like it would look more angelic and girly if she had long hair, but he was so adamant, so sure, that I just had to know if what he saw reflected what she actually looked like with hair. I believe what he says he saw, he believes he saw, and I actually also believe he saw it, but I still had to know. I messaged her relative, and asked for a photograph of Jalene with hair. This is where it gets even more real. In the photo Roxi sent me (before her brain cancer treatment started), Jalene's hair was of course, exactly as Rowan said...short, around her ears and dark. How can you NOT believe that this child, my son, saw the actual angel of his sweet friend Jalene?!
Rowan did end up painting the picture after a little while. And again, he was very specific about which colors he needed. He kept saying things like, "Yes, this was it" or "Mom, were you not paying attention in the room?" or "No, brighter yellow!".
After he finally finished, he was so content with the picture that he drew and painted.
I hope the pictures adequately depict the story I am trying to tell. It is one of pure faith and love in the middle of sheer devastation. It is about child like faith, and the angels among us.
God bless you sweet Jalene! So grateful Rowan was able to see you one last time on Earth, and see what you will look like in Heaven as well. What a miracle you are!
(By the way, Rowan wanted me to point out the aura around Jalene's angel he was drawing here in this picture. He noticed it when I uploaded the pictures and said, "Mom, the light was like that...like all around her, wrapping her up.")