Mom~ Part 1: "Just in case..."

This morning started out great.  Rowan had a good night's sleep after his trip to the OR last night.  We woke to one of his favorite nurses coming down from upstairs to say hi and bring him a Thanksgiving card from all the nurses on the transplant floor.  We were laughing and hugging and I was taking pictures of her and Rowan. All of the sudden I noticed that my phone had several missed calls, from family members in Ohio, and a text from my sister telling me : "I need you to call me".  I called her back and got the worst news of my life..."Mom is dead.  She fell at work.  She had a heart attack.  She's dead Carrie."

I fell to the floor... 

in total shock and disbelief...

sobbing.

There were 3 nurses in the room at the time.  One came to me, the other 2 to Rowan.  They held us, they consoled us, they prayed and they cried too.

She couldn't be gone.  She had just been here to visit Rowan in the hospital, 30 short days ago. She sat by his hospital bed for 2 straight days, crying, praying, talking to him in his ear.  I hugged her goodbye in the lobby on the last day and promised her we were doing everything we could for Rowan and she made me promise that I would "bring that boy home".  She assured me "God's not done with him yet." and I agreed.  I told her I loved her, and not to cry...but it was too late.  That is how most of our visits together ended over the last 20+ years, since I moved away from home...me hugging her as I left and telling her not to cry.  She never listened.  She always cried.  Today it's me that can't stop crying. 

After talking to each of my sisters, my dad, one of my nieces back home in Ohio and Brian, Ian and Zoe back home in Texas, I sat and cried most of the day, while Rowan slept.  I looked back at the last photos I had of her.  Here they are.  They are from her recent visit to Seattle to see Rowan.  When I looked at these photos, one thing in particular struck me.  It's hard to type.  I didn't verbalize it at the time, and I still barely can now...but it is the real, honest, truth...

I took these pictures, "just in case".  But you see, I took them just in case SHE never got to see HIM again.  Not the other way around.  It's sad to admit, but I believe it's very important to recognize now.  I remember that as I watched these precious moments: of my sweet Mom, finally getting to come lay eyes and hands on her beloved long-distance grandson, who had been so gravely ill, and was hospitalized even further away than usual, she was both heartbroken and peaceful at the same time.  She NEEDED these moments...I just didn't realize how badly.  I didn't know the true value these photos would hold.  They were meant to be a gift to her, if Rowan didn't make it through this.  Now, they are a gift to me, and I hope to him...because she's the one who didn't make it to our next visit.

You just never know.  Treat each day like your last.  Recognize important moments in your life.  Soak them in, and capture them on film if you can.  Because, life is just too short...and you just never know when a moment with a loved one may be your last.

You were such a beautiful soul, with such a kind, giving heart, Mom.  If someone could love too much, it was my Mom.  If someone could care too much, it was my Mom.  If someone could give, almost to a fault...it was my Mom.  She gave of herself more than anyone I have ever known...and while we teased her about it while she was alive...tonight, I hope I learned enough from her to give even half of much of my heart as she did.  And tonight, more than anything in the world...I wish I could tell her that.  I wish I could tell her how much I appreciated all her sacrifices, how much I admired her giving heart.  I wish I would have told her that...just in case she didn't know.