Day +24: "Just look for the positive Mommy."

After rounds this morning, I was a little frustrated with how things are going currently.  Rowan's kidney biopsy was 9 days ago.  That is when he developed the internal bleeding that caused the two large hematomas to develop in his abdomen.  He has been in an extreme amount of pain ever since then.  He was already on a pca pain pump for typhlitis (the infection and thickening of his colon), but since the kidney biopsy he has used it so much more.  They have increased the constant drip again and again, increased the dose that he can give himself every six minutes, and the dose the nurses can bolus him 3 times an hour.  I am tired of seeing him in pain, and I dislike him requiring so much dilaudid.  The pain doctor felt like interventional radiology or the surgeons may need to intervene soon, since it has been so long.  I agreed.  So, I asked if they could consult with them again, to see if we could get another ultrasound and find out if any of the blood is being reabsorbed yet. 

Unfortunately, there is nothing they feel comfortable doing surgically though.  They don't want to risk causing more bleeding, or risk him developing an infection, if they put in drain tubes or open him up to clean out the blood.  I understand, I really do, but that doesn't mean it's easy to hear "this is just going to take time."  I'm not mad at any of the doctors.  They are doing what is best, and safest for Rowan.  It just made me feel a little helpless though.

His little tummy is so distended.  First from the hematomas, and second from the excess fluid he has on him right now.  His abdomen looks like it's going to pop.  It is heartbreaking to watch him move around in the bed when he looks like this.

Rowan could tell that I was disappointed that there was nothing else that could be done right now.  He could see that I teared up a bit at the thought of 2-3 more weeks (or more) of him in this pain.  He didn't get upset himself.  He didn't cry thinking about the pain he would continue to endure. Nope, not Rowan.  Instead, Rowan took that opportunity to console me.  He wiped my tears and encouraged me:

"Just look for the positive Mommy."

"I've already dealt with this for almost 2 weeks, I can handle it for a few more."

"It just means we get to spend more time together."

"At least I won't need more anesthesia."

"They just don't want to put me through any risky surgeries to fix it right now."

Oh Rowan. 
Dear sweet Rowan. 
I don't know what I'd do if you weren't the way you are. 
Your positive attitude and selflessness are beyond words.

Thank you...
from the bottom of my heart.

You do more to get me through all this, than I do for you.

And ok, I will remember to look for the positives Rowan.
There are many, as you so kindly reminded me.