"Mommy..when I pass away, promise me you'll only think happy thoughts."

Rowan and I went to the cemetery today, to visit Julian's grave.  His family had placed a Christmas tree at the site a week or two ago, and Rowan had me ask Julian's Mom if he could go hang an ornament on the tree.  Of course Rowan wanted it to be a Captain America ornament, to honor Julian and his love of Captain America.

 It was a very rainy day, and I debated driving in to SA, but Rowan really wanted to go, so we did.  Of course, Rowan noticed that once we arrived at the cemetery, the rained stopped, and it held off the entire time we were there.

As we approached the grounds, I got a little emotional.  The Children's Garden was simply beautiful and so very peaceful, but you just can't prepare yourself enough to visit the resting place of young children.  We found Julian's marker right away, and knelt down to read it.

Rowan read it aloud, all by himself, and then looked up at me and wiped a tear from my cheek.  He looked around and noticed a few other grave sites that had been damaged by the rain and wind, and asked me if he could go fix them up (he did the same thing the last time we visited Jalene's site).

There was another family visiting their family member's grave as well, and they smiled at us through their own tears.  Rowan looked up at me again and said "It's hard for everyone isn't it, even you?"  I nodded quietly.

Rowan glanced over at the beautiful statue in the middle of the Children's Garden and said "It's Jesus!"  I said yes, and we walked closer.  It was just gorgeous.  Rowan sat next to Jesus, looking up at his face, as if he was memorizing it.

He told me that when he saw Jesus at Jalene's funeral, Jesus was so bright that he was almost fuzzy, so he was trying to get a better look now.  I asked if he wanted to say a little prayer there, and he said yes.  He stood up, held Jesus' hand and prayed the sweetest prayer.  A prayer of thanks.

He thanked Jesus for taking such good care of Julian (and Rowan's other friends in Heaven), and told him that he knew they were happy and having a great time.  He thanked Jesus for letting him visit them in his dreams.  Then, he asked him to please help their families during the holidays, to let them be happy not sad.

We walked back over to Julian's resting place so Rowan could hang the ornament he brought, which he lovingly did.

Then he just stared and stared at Julian's picture, silently.

He never got to meet Julian when he was alive, but knows his Mom and Dad now, has dreamed of Julian on multiple occasions and has given messages to his parents.  Then, he talked to Julian...just talked to him, like they were old friends.

Rowan brought his Captain America shield with him (the one that Rowan had first), and he showed it to him.  He told Julian that he wanted him to see it, because Julian's parents had also given Rowan the one that used to be Julian's.  He wanted to show him that they both had one.  He thanked Julian for letting him have his shield too, and told him he would take good care of it.  Then Rowan looked up at me and said, "He really does see this, because he's looking down on us right now."  More tears...

Rowan blew Julian a kiss,

....touched his picture on the stone marker,

...straightened up the Captain America ornament,

...and walked back over to the Jesus statue, pausing for a moment.

When we got back in the car, Rowan reached up and wiped my tears again, sat down and buckled himself in.  Then he said, "Mommy, promise me one thing...When I pass away, promise me you'll only think happy thoughts."  Total silence.  I didn't know what to say.

Finally, I told him, that I hoped I went way before him, that I hoped I would be up in Heaven waiting for him with open arms.  To which he replied, "Okay, but if you don't, just promise me...happy thoughts."

I'm sure you can imagine the emotions that welled up within my soul.  All I could do was whisper, "okay".  

I hope I never have to keep that promise.  I hope I go first.  But if I don't..."okay"...I will try to only think happy thoughts.  Rowan certainly has brought us many happy times.  God surely has given us many happy moments.  So, there will be plenty to choose from, that much I am sure of.

This holiday season, and throughout the year, I hope we can all promise Rowan this:  I hope we can all try to "think only happy thoughts".  I also wish that we all had the peace and strength that Rowan does.  He does not fear death.  And to Julian's family, Jalene's family, Chrissie's family, Avery's family, Erik's family, Natalie's family, Jordan's, and all those who have lost young loved ones, Rowan says that your kids would want the same for you... for you to "think happy thoughts".

Thank you Joe and Valerie for allowing Rowan to place this ornament on Julian's tree today, for giving Rowan Julian's shield, and for the gift of your friendship.  Your sweet Julian is still affecting others, for the best.  I know Rowan and I were blessed today, and I believe this post will touch many others as well.

I know, as difficult as it was, that I will always cherish these photos of Rowan today, studying Jesus' face...

and holding his hand...

  This is what Heaven must look like.

I hope that brings you comfort, as you imagine Julian doing the same.