"It's ok Mommy. It doesn't matter either way."

Rowan dreamed about his two sweet 4 year old friends again this past week. Both Chrissie and Jalene have passed, but Rowan still has such a special connection with them, and with their precious Mommies.  He often wakes up telling me about dreams and visions he has had, and even conversations he has had with them.  This past week, he dreamed about them again, and said that he needed to talk to their Mommies, to give them a message.

On Saturday, after dance class, we stopped by Jalene's house first: to see Jen, to give her brother BJ a birthday present, and to drop off a present that a friend of mine from back home in Springfield, Ohio, had made for Jalene's Garden.  Here he is, hugging Jen, after telling her that Jalene wanted her to know she is ok.  He reassured her that he saw Jalene and that God was taking great care of her.

(Something about the hugs these two give each other just melt my heart...every single time.)

Rowan took out the homemade sun catcher, that Alaisha Johnson made (from Ohio), to Jalene's Garden.  He smiled from ear to ear when he was in the garden again.  He said, "I really love this garden. It turned out so perfect!"

He picked a spot for the sun catcher...

One where you can see it, even if you are sitting at the bistro table...

Jen agreed, and helped hang it there.

And they both posed for a picture together for me:)

Rowan and I agreed that it looked nice, catching the sun, just behind Jalene's picture frame...

Then, as we stood there talking to Jen and Jalene's brothers and sister for a few minutes, the wind chime suddenly started tinkling and chiming away in the wind...

In one of Rowan's previous dreams, months ago, he said that Jalene's giggle sounded like a wind chime.  So, we think the wind chimes this day meant that she loved the new addition to her Garden!  (Thank you Alaisha!)

Once we went back inside, Jen asked Rowan if he would like to take home one of Jalene's toys, so he could have something special of hers.  There were two of these Angel bears, and Rowan's eyes filled with tears as Jen pulled one down for him.  He was so touched, and so beyond happy.  

This is how he carried it to the car...

Just look at the joy in his face...

He didn't set it down the whole hour ride home...

The card on it said something like...Hug this bear to give you strength when you are afraid or through hard times. Rowan told me on the way home, "I just wish I had it sooner, like when Jalene was dying. But I'm glad her Mom and me both have one now, to get us through this."

Ironically, later that day, Chrissie's Mommy, Lorraine, stopped by our house to borrow a medical supply I had, for one of her own medically fragile kiddos.  Rowan again looked over at me with his eyes raised and said, "Can I tell her too?"

And here he is with Lorraine after he told her that he dreamed about Chrissie the night before, and that she told him "Tell my Mommy that I'm ok, and that God is taking really good care of me."

Moments before this, Rowan overheard me talking to Lorraine about my conversation with the Seattle doctor earlier in the week, regarding Rowan's bone marrow transplant.  He heard me mention the special chemo he would get in Seattle.  He suddenly got a little worried and said that he was nervous about chemo because of his friends with Cancer who had to go through that, some of whom have passed.  I tried to reassure him, explaining that this chemo was a part of a clinical trial because it was less toxic, and told him it wouldn't be as harsh.  He smiled, and said "It's ok.  It doesn't matter either way, because even if it is bad, at least I'll be with my friends there sooner."

...SILENCE...COMPLETE SILENCE...

There were 7 of us in the kitchen at the time (Brian, Rowan and I, Lorraine, 2 of her daughters and one of their friends), and all of our jaws dropped instantly... Did he really just say what we thought he said?  I rubbed his head, hugged him tight, and told him not to talk like that.  Tears welled up in our eyes.  But he just smiled, and said, "Really Mom, it's ok... either way."  And you could see it in his eyes...he was truly ok with it...he was ok with dying, if that's what it came to.

I don't even know how to handle this child's peace and understanding  at times, especially when he says things like this.  I debated on whether or not to even share this, but it gives a true, pure example of Rowan's faith and understanding...which is far beyond anything I can comprehend.  I'm pretty sure it was far beyond the understanding of all of us who heard him, standing in my kitchen Saturday afternoon.  But as hard is it is to hear, especially from your medically fragile child, Rowan is right...

"It's ok.  It doesn't matter either way."

Life, and death, are out of our hands.  And if we believe, then we are supposed to believe that it will be ok, either way, whether we live or die. I stand in awe that my 8 year old son gets that, believes it, voices it, and teaches it.  I pray we all can muster a faith like that, and feel the comfort and peace that it brings.  I wish you all could have heard his sweet little voice say it, or see the sincerity in his eyes.  I sure hope I gave a clear enough description, so that you at least can imagine it.  

I believe that God is giving Rowan an amazing gift, allowing him to stay connected with Chrissie and Jalene, even now that they are in Heaven.  I feel that the constant reassurance he gets, that they are ok, and that God is taking good care of them, is not only to help him with his fears due to his poor health,  but to help us all as well, with our own fears of grief.

So, while it was gut wrenching to hear him say it...I have to bring myself to realize what a gift of faith it truly was.