Little boys should not have to play on their friends graves, but I am blessed that he did...

Rowan's SDS buddy Roman, is just 3 1/2 years old.  He loves trucks of all kinds...and I mean LOVES trucks.  He carries them around in his backpack, in search of any dirt pile he can find.  He has excavators, front end loaders, back hoes, dump trucks, you name it.

Yesterday, since Roman and his family were in town, we met for breakfast and then went out to the cemetery to visit Rowan's grave together.  It's always bittersweet being out there with others.  I am blessed that they haven't forgotten my beautiful angel, but it makes me wish he was there with us physically too.

We laid out blankets, around Rowan's gravesite, and started chatting. 

Roman laid the gorgeous orange flowers his Mom had brought on Rowan's grave and I helped him arrange them there with the sunflowers I had brought. 

Within minutes Roman pulled out his "diggers" and started playing in the dirt covering Rowan's grave.  His parents of course immediately tried to stop him, and redirect him.  It made me tear up, but I told them, "it's ok, let him play, Rowan would want him to".  Roman's Mom and I agreed that Rowan was probably laughing down from heaven.  

It was breathtakingly shocking and beautiful at the same time, watching a beautiful little boy playing on his friend's grave.  I took multiple pictures of that moment though, because it was so special.

As you know, Rowan dreamed of playing tag in heaven with his friends who passed before him.  He visited their graves often.  It brought him joy.  Roman was experiencing some of that joy too.  He was able to play there, not sit and cry.  Now I realize he is young, and playing is what 3 year olds do...but trust me when I say, it was a beautiful, precious, priceless, poignant moment...and it will shape who he becomes as he grows up.

Kenny, our new friend from Amazon who we surprised the day before, joined us out at the cemetery too. 

It was his first time visiting Rowan.  His presence brought even more peace and love to the gathering.  We all sat there for a couple hours, telling Rowan stories and watching Roman play.

As if the day weren't beautiful enough, Nicole, Roman's Mom noticed a white fluffy dandelion near Rowan's grave. 

There weren't any others that we could see anywhere!  All the rest were still fresh and yellow.   It was a sign from Rowan.  Remember, Rowan wished on a dandelion the first day he met Roman, he wished that he and all his other friends would be healed.  Nicole picked the dandelion and we all taught Roman how to blow a dandelion into the wind. 

Another priceless moment.

Thank you Kenny, Nicole, Peter, Roman...and Rowan, for a day I'll always remember and for your friendship that I know will never end.

From missing keys to found friends...EVERYTHING happens for a reason!

Hopefully, by now, most of you all have heard the story of how an Amazon worker from San Marcos accidentally dropped his lanyard and keys in a package a few months ago and it got shipped to our dear friend's in Houston. 

Roman (their son) and our Rowan were SDS buddies ("The Texas Roros"). We met online in a FB Forum, started messaging and texting for over a year, and then finally met in person just before we left for transplant.  Then, Roman and his parents came to visit Rowan in Seattle the day before he moved to ICU and fell into the coma. 

Long story short, Nicole and Peter got the keys back to Kenny from Amazon, after finding him on Facebook.  This led to him looking at their Facebook page too, and learning about Roman not having a bone marrow match yet (just like Rowan didn't).  Kenny has now made it his mission to make the good out of that crazy (or not so crazy) situation.  He has become a huge bone marrow registry advocate, searching for Roman's match, and trying to live by Rowan's words at the same time: "If you can't see the good, make the good!".  And believe me, Kenny is making some tremendous good!  There has been a 3 day bone marrow swab event going on at the San Marcos Amazon Fulfillment Center because of this young man.

Yesterday, the Shen Family and I met there in San Marcos at Amazon, as Kenny arrived for work, to surprise him.  It was the first time that he had met any of us.  It was a surprise for him...but boy were the tears flowing from all of us.  

I brought a gift for Kenny...one of Rowan's bracelets, his memorial cards, one of his cross necklaces, and one of his t-shirts.  He was very moved.

I brought a gift for Roman, Rowan's little buddy, as well...

I gave Roman, Rowan's bike, helmet, bike gloves and pads, along with a picture of Rowan riding the bike, before he left for Seattle for his transplants. 

It is so difficult to give your child's precious possessions away after they pass, but I just knew that Rowan would want Roman to have it.  I told his Mom, "I fully expect him to grow into this bike, and for you to send me a picture of him riding it down the street one day, just like Rowan."

What a precious day yesterday was.  Gencure/Be the Match swabbed lots of employees as Kenny continues to do God's work.  We met an angel on Earth in Kenny.  He got to meet little Roman.  Tears were shed.  Lots of laughter too though.  Gifts were given...but the greatest gift of all is the potential life saving matches that may have been signing up yesterday...

...and all of this because Kenny accidentally dropped his keys inside an Amazon package at work one day.  Nicole said she chooses to believe Rowan had something to do with that, since Kenny and I don't live far from one another.  She thinks Rowan helped them fall into that box, knowing it was headed to Roman, knowing she would return them, knowing he would become an amazing advocate...and hopefully Rowan's wish on the dandelion, of finding his friend's cure will come true because of all this.

Thank you Kenny.

Thank you Amazon San Marcos for allowing this event at your center.

Thank you Gencure/Be the Match for hosting it.

Thank you Shen's for inviting me to be there for the surprise.

Thank you to everyone who swabbed.

Thank you Jesus!

I hope she knows...

My mother was the most loving, giving, selfless mother ever.  Everything I learned about being a mom, I learned from her.  She wasn't just a mother to Amy, Jennifer and I, but she and my Dad were foster parents to about a dozen other infants during our childhood too.  That, plus they both worked in the medical field: hospital labs, ems squads, fire departments, etc.  They saved children's lives, they raised them, and my Dad even helped deliver one.  The love they had to give was immeasurable.

We even used to tease my Mom, saying that her gravestone would say "she had good intentions", because she would have given EVERYTHING she owned to help someone else, especially a child. Dad too.

My Mom died suddenly November 23rd, 2016...3 weeks before my youngest son, Rowan, also died rather suddenly, December 15th, 2016.  Ironically (or providentially) my Mom came to visit Rowan in the ICU at Seattle Children's Hospital just a few weeks before her own death.

Today is her birthday, April 2nd.  She used to joke with us when we were younger, saying "If I'd of been born one day earlier, I'd have been a joke!" (April Fools)

Last Year I think I was still numb...my son had only been gone a few months.  I hadn't had time to grieve my mom yet.  This year, it is hitting me full force though!

I miss her.  I miss her more and more each and every day.  That is not a cliché.  I mean it.  I really do. I seriously have picked up my phone every day for over a year, to call and talk to my Mom.  Then I realize, I simply can't.

Today, I went to the store to pick out flowers for her instead of for my son Rowan.  She loved daisies, but they didn't have daisies.  Her favorite color in general was red.  So, I did the best I could.  A red rose, daisy looking wild flowers, and reddish gerber daisies.  I know she would have loved them.

I went to Rowan's cemetery, because I live in Texas and Mom is buried in Ohio.  It was the closest I could be to her as far as I was concerned.  I laid out a blanket.  I got out my journal.  I started writing to Rowan and to Mom.  Eventually I cried myself to sleep.  I woke up 2+ hours later.

I know that the main feeling in my broken heart was my fear that she would not know how much I loved her.  The last time we saw each other, everything was about Rowan...it just was.  He was intubated, on dialysis, chemo, going through bone marrow transplant number 2 etc.  How could we not all be focused on Rowan?

But now, now that they both left this world within 6 weeks of that visit, I have so many regrets.  Why didn't I get my picture taken with her?  Why didn't I say a proper goodbye to her?  Why didn't I tell her that I was the mother I was, because of her?

My biggest fear or regret in life is that my beautiful Mother didn't know how much I loved her, and that even though I was focused on Rowan, the love and devotion I had for him and my other children was because I learned it all from her.

Does she know what a great Mom she was?

Did she know how much I loved her?

Did she die believing that?

Does she at least know now?

Losing my mother and my baby within 3 weeks of each other is excruciating...  Mom, would have changed it if she could, Rowan would ask me to find or make the good out of it...

I am doing the best I can, which I apologize, but is not as good a either of them would have done.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Rowan, give her the biggest hug from me ever!

Love, Carrie

Doing the best we can...

I know it has been a little while since I have written a blog post.  Its not because I have nothing to say, that's for sure.  I actually have dozens of blog posts in mind that I want to share.  Its just hard.  Its hard to write, its hard to think, and yes, its even hard to breathe still.  However, I do want to get back to my writing.  It helps heal my broken heart, even if it's just a little.

Today I joined one of my dear friends, another bereaved mother, that most of you know very well, Jalene's Mom, Jen.  We live an hour apart, our kids are buried even further than that from each other.  So, we don't get to see each other as much as we would like.  But we check in with each other often.  Today we finally made it happen though.  We spent the entire morning and early afternoon together.

The 3rd anniversary of Jalene's passing was this month on March 15th.  Another mutual friend's family will be experiencing that same milestone tomorrow, March 26th. It will be the 3rd anniversary of Julian's passing.  Today Jen and I went to both of their gravesites, Jalene's & Julian's.  We cried, we smiled, we laughed a little, we hugged...we remembered these precious angels.  4 years old, 6 years old, 10 years old...we should not have lost our children as young as they were, but we did.  It automatically made us members of a club that no parent wants to be in, but one I also believe we couldn't do without.  We need each other.  As you know, I have many more friends in that club.  Rowan was sick his entire life.  Many passed before him, some have now passed after him...we are all in different stages of this grief path, but we understand one another.  When one is down, the other is often there to lift them up...but they may fall to their knees again days or even hours later.

Today, I cried more, but we were there for each other:

at Jalene's site today...

 

at Julian's site today...

I wish I didn't have so many friends who are in this group, who have lost a child...if I really think about it, I think more of mine have than have not.  That is staggering, but that is my life, because it was Rowan's life.  We hurt, oh how we hurt... but we help each other get through the dark days.

Jen, thank you for letting me pick you up and drive all over town today.  Thanks for the conversation, the company, and the hugs.  Jalene is so missed.  She was so special.  She still is.

Valerie, thank you for letting Jen and I go visit Julian's grave today too.  I cried there, but I cried tears of sadness and peace.  I remember multiple occasions when Rowan joined me there, along with your family.  I'll never forget releasing the wounded bird that you all had brought back to life, or Rowan singing to you and Joe on that blanket in front of Julian's grave, singing Dancing in the Sky by Dani & Lizzy (all by himself, just for you two) "Tell me what does it look like in heaven...", or all the photos I took of Rowan with the beautiful bronze statues there in the beautiful children's garden.  It is so peaceful there. I remember Rowan walking back to the car with me one year after we sat with y'all for a while there, and him telling me "Mom, when I die, only think happy thoughts ok.  Julian's ok.  I'll be ok too."  What peace he received at your son's precious resting place.  Today, I did too.  

I love you ladies with all my heart.  I love your families too.  I know March is hard for you.  Today I took flowers for Jalene and Julian, because it's what Rowan would have done if he were still here, it's what he did often.

They are together now.  Now these bronze statues remind me of them all "playing tag in heaven" (as Rowan always described heaven from his dreams). 

And Valerie, Jen even noticed the dog statue today, which I don't think I have noticed before...and it made me think of Rowan telling me that Julian is always surrounded by dogs in heaven.

God bless you all...all my grieving friends..."I know it's so nice up there since they've arrived"... I also know that "Here on Earth everything's different..." for us.

We are trying our best babies.  We really are.

And knowing you are all together, is one of the ways we are getting through this.