My mother was the most loving, giving, selfless mother ever. Everything I learned about being a mom, I learned from her. She wasn't just a mother to Amy, Jennifer and I, but she and my Dad were foster parents to about a dozen other infants during our childhood too. That, plus they both worked in the medical field: hospital labs, ems squads, fire departments, etc. They saved children's lives, they raised them, and my Dad even helped deliver one. The love they had to give was immeasurable.
We even used to tease my Mom, saying that her gravestone would say "she had good intentions", because she would have given EVERYTHING she owned to help someone else, especially a child. Dad too.
My Mom died suddenly November 23rd, 2016...3 weeks before my youngest son, Rowan, also died rather suddenly, December 15th, 2016. Ironically (or providentially) my Mom came to visit Rowan in the ICU at Seattle Children's Hospital just a few weeks before her own death.
Today is her birthday, April 2nd. She used to joke with us when we were younger, saying "If I'd of been born one day earlier, I'd have been a joke!" (April Fools)
Last Year I think I was still numb...my son had only been gone a few months. I hadn't had time to grieve my mom yet. This year, it is hitting me full force though!
I miss her. I miss her more and more each and every day. That is not a cliché. I mean it. I really do. I seriously have picked up my phone every day for over a year, to call and talk to my Mom. Then I realize, I simply can't.
Today, I went to the store to pick out flowers for her instead of for my son Rowan. She loved daisies, but they didn't have daisies. Her favorite color in general was red. So, I did the best I could. A red rose, daisy looking wild flowers, and reddish gerber daisies. I know she would have loved them.
I went to Rowan's cemetery, because I live in Texas and Mom is buried in Ohio. It was the closest I could be to her as far as I was concerned. I laid out a blanket. I got out my journal. I started writing to Rowan and to Mom. Eventually I cried myself to sleep. I woke up 2+ hours later.
I know that the main feeling in my broken heart was my fear that she would not know how much I loved her. The last time we saw each other, everything was about Rowan...it just was. He was intubated, on dialysis, chemo, going through bone marrow transplant number 2 etc. How could we not all be focused on Rowan?
But now, now that they both left this world within 6 weeks of that visit, I have so many regrets. Why didn't I get my picture taken with her? Why didn't I say a proper goodbye to her? Why didn't I tell her that I was the mother I was, because of her?
My biggest fear or regret in life is that my beautiful Mother didn't know how much I loved her, and that even though I was focused on Rowan, the love and devotion I had for him and my other children was because I learned it all from her.
Does she know what a great Mom she was?
Did she know how much I loved her?
Did she die believing that?
Does she at least know now?
Losing my mother and my baby within 3 weeks of each other is excruciating... Mom, would have changed it if she could, Rowan would ask me to find or make the good out of it...
I am doing the best I can, which I apologize, but is not as good a either of them would have done.
Happy Birthday Mom!
Rowan, give her the biggest hug from me ever!
Love, Carrie
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