Mother's Day will never be the same...ever...

Once a mother, always a mother...I get that.  But this Mother's Day, and every one going forward, will be different.  It just will. 

I lost my mother and my youngest son within 3 weeks of each other, a few short months ago... both very suddenly. 

I know that I have two beautiful children still here with me...believe me, I know.  They are the reason I am still alive... the reason I get out of bed each day.

However, my love for them can't stop my pain, or still my yearning for the child that isn't here, or for the mother I can't see or call... the two missing pieces of my broken heart.  I am still a mother, yes... but I am forever changed.

Rowan, I vividly remember you entering this world...too early, small, weak, blue.  But you were such a fighter, such a shining light in this often dark world.  In ten years, you taught me a lifetime of lessons.  Then, during the biggest battle of your life...which you still loved, as much as ever...you were gone in what felt like an instant.  151 days ago, my world turned upside down.  I watched you take your last unassisted breaths, and then you left this world, just like you entered it...too early, small, weak, blue.

Mom, you were one of the most giving, selfless, loving people I have ever known.  You taught me to put others needs first, and to trust God...no matter what.  Your last text to me said "Praise God forever".  I pick up the phone to call you almost every day, before realizing that I can't...that you're gone from this world.  It happened so suddenly.  173 days ago, my heart nearly stopped when I heard that yours had over 2000 miles away.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  I didn't get to tell you how important you were, how much influence you had on the person I've become. 

Zoe and Ian, my hurting heart and epic sadness right now, are in no way a reflection of you.  On the contrary, you are what keeps me going, you are my light.  I cherish being your mother.  You are two of the best kids anyone could ever ask for.  You have been deeply, immensely affected by these losses too, yet you stay strong for me.  That does not go unnoticed.  Though I miss Rowan, your brother, and my Mom, your Grandma...every single moment of every single day... I love you, need you, and am so very proud of each of you.  While you will undoubtedly see tears fall from my face this Mother's Day, I pray you know that I love you all the same... I just miss them so deeply.

Mother's Day will be different this year...that, I am sure about.  I will cry, I will visit the cemetery, I will cry some more.  I may even want it to just be over at times...(if I am being honest).  But I will also remember the lessons I learned from the two people I lost this year:  "Praise God forever!" and "Love your Life!", as well as the lessons of strength that I have learned from Zoe and Ian every single day since.

I am still a mother...

I am just different.

Carrie Windham

Mother's Day 2017