Part 5: "The Flowers"

Typically, while at the funeral home, you order the floral spray or flower arrangements you want to have delivered to your loved ones service.  I looked through the floral books, but none of them said "Rowan" to me.  So I decided to do his flowers myself.

Zoe and I went to Travis Wholesale Florist a few days later, and she helped me choose all of Rowan's favorite colors and flowers, to place on order.  It was not just a distraction, it was therapeutic, healing and actually almost made us happy for a moment.  It's difficult to be sad looking at all of the different colors, textures, heights, and beautiful styles of flowers that God created.  It reminded me of something Rowan said once about how creative God was. "How did God create all these different types of big foots, Nessies, bugs, animals and people? He's amazing. So creative. I can't wait to meet him. He can really give me great ideas of things to draw when I'm bored.".

The following week, we picked up the buckets of flowers from Travis Wholesale Florist.  They made me smile.

Arranging the flowers was so therapeutic.  I have done the flowers for just 2 weddings, but I have always enjoyed working with flowers.  Designing the flowers for around Rowan's casket, was one of the last gifts I could give him.  I knew that I wanted them to be bright, cheery, orange, green, white and blue.  Orange because it was his favorite color, green because he loved nature and walking in the woods, white because it represented a fresh start (the final shirt he designed before his second transplant, he chose white for a clean slate/fresh start), and blue for his beautiful, amazingly blue, "special eyes" (as he humbly called them:).  The bells of Ireland were a must because he was so very proud to be Irish.  And the kale reminded me of him painting with kale in our kitchen when he was just 3 years old.

The final result just exuded "Rowan" to me.  They were as bright and cheery as he was.  They didn't look like typical, memorial flowers.  They could have been for a baby shower, a birthday party, a wedding...any celebration.  And that was what I needed.  I needed to represent Rowan's life, as God designed it...positive, light, beautiful and colorful.  I think I did a pretty good job. 

I did the two large arrangements that would sit on either side of his casket, and Zoe did a special one for right in the middle, on the altar, just behind his casket. 

The one Zoe did, was one that was sponsored by two individuals.  The day after Rowan passed, we ate at Rowan's favorite restaurant, a Greek restaurant called "Costa's".  Every outpatient trip to Seattle we ever had, Rowan and I ate at Costa's at least once or twice a day...every day!  He loved their hash browns so much!  The owners knew us well and had been anxiously awaiting his discharge from the hospital.  So, when I finally showed up 6 months later and had to tell them he was gone...you can imagine their grief.  We hugged, we cried, we prayed.  Before I left, one of the family owners handed me money and asked me to get him some flowers from them.  I agreed.  Then, just before we left Seattle we also met with one of Rowan's favorite hospital staff members...a CNA, named Jai.  Rowan and he had such a special connection.  One of Rowan's middle of the night "thank you"s (4 am to be exact), we later learned, is what made Jai reconsider staying in his profession.  He was having a very difficult night and Rowan's voice, thanking him for taking his vitals, changed the course of his night, and eventually of his career. As we left town, Jai also handed me a card for Rowan with money for flowers for him as well.

Jai, you are a sweet, gifted man, who is a tremendous blessing to patients and their families.  Please remember how much you connected with Rowan, and keep doing what you are doing.  You blessed Rowan and myself immeasurably.  If I could tell you thank you every single night at 4 am for the rest of your life, I would...because I know Rowan would too. 

Rowan (and Jai, and Costa's), I hope and pray you liked your flowers.  I'm pretty sure you did.  They reminded me of you so much Rowan.  I can't wait to see the many different creations of flowers God has in Heaven, or that you are drawing in your sketchbook up there.

I love you and I miss you.

Part 4: "The Church"

At Jalene's memorial service, Rowan fell in love with "Live the Life" Church in San Antonio.  Not just the surroundings, or the staff, or the praise and worship music (which were all great too), but it was more than that.  Rowan would tell anyone he met, that he saw Jesus there.  Not just like he felt God's presence...but that he literally saw Jesus there.  Now, Rowan had lots of dreams of Heaven and his friends playing there, and dreamed about Jesus often...but the only time he actually told us that he saw Jesus while he was awake, was at Live the Life Church in San Antonio at Jalene's memorial service.  Rowan said that he saw Jesus hovering over Jalene's casket, looking out at the crowd in the Church, smiling really big.  He said that Jesus was smiling because of everyone that Jalene brought to Church to see Him. 

After that service, whenever Rowan and I would attend Live the Life, Rowan never wanted to go to their Children's Church/Sunday School.  I always encouraged him to, telling him it might be cool to go be with kids his age, but he refused.  He would tell me, "No Mom, I like it out here...and I might see Jesus again".  And he would close his eyes, clap his hands and worship God...like this...

When Rowan got baptized, January 24th, 2016, it was of course held at Live the Life as well.  He told us that he wanted to get "dunked all the way", and that he wanted to do it at Jalene's Church, since that's where he saw Jesus.  So, we of course held his baptism there.  What a day that was.  He was so excited! Many of you joined us for that celebration, and watched as Rowan shot out of that basin with his fists raised in the air...victorious.  A moment I will never ever forget.

When it came time to plan his funeral, so much of the planning was difficult, but not where it would be held.  We envisioned Rowan entering Heaven the same way he came out of that baptism basin, fists held high...victorious.  He wasn't just seeing Jesus now, he was with Jesus.  So having his memorial service where his sweet friend Jalene's was, and where he got baptized...that was an easy decision.

Thank you Lisa Allen.  For allowing Rowan to tell the congregation at Jalene's private service (the day after her open memorial service) about him seeing Jesus there, and why Jesus was so happy.

And, thank you for being the one to dunk him (his request), during his baptism.  Finally, and coming full circle, thank you for leading his own memorial service, just a year later.  He didn't just see Jesus at Live the Life, I know he saw Jesus in you too.  And I know he was so pleased with where we decided to hold his memorial service, and with who we chose to lead it.  And I can only imagine how happy he and Jesus and Jalene were, sitting up there in Heaven looking at another packed Church, filled with people coming to celebrate Rowan and see Jesus.

I love you and I miss you Rowan.

I've had 30 days without you...

but you've had 30 days with Jesus...

Part 3: "The Resting Place"

Choosing a final resting place is one of the other very difficult decisions you have to make after losing a loved one, especially if you haven't previously purchased family plots.  We had not.  New Braunfels is not a very large town, and it has very few cemeteries, most of which are already full, or whose plots have already been purchased.  We knew we wanted Rowan's grave to be nearby, so we could visit when we wanted to, so our choice was extremely limited.

We made the appointment at a beautiful cemetery, just under 30 minutes from our home, out in the beautiful Texas hill country.  When we arrived, we noticed that the different sections had names, such as "Hope", "Peace", "Devotion", etc.  Of course our first thought was, "Yes! He needs to be buried in the Hope section!"  But we soon found out that Hope was full, as were most of the others.  There were only plots left in "Love" and in "Devotion".  "Love" sat a little too close to the highway for our liking, but "Devotion" was perfect.  It had the most oak trees, the most shade, and it sat up further on the hill.  It was beautiful.  It was nearly full or sold itself though, so we only had a few choices of areas where there were more than one plot available in a row.

As one of the owners showed us the 3 or 4 spots where there were more than one burial plot in a row, I was overwhelmed.  How do you choose?  What is the right spot?  Where do you want to come sit, cry, pray for your child for the next...however many years you have left on Earth yourself?  It was so difficult.  He had only been gone a matter of days, how do you come to terms with where he will be put in the ground?  Neither Brian or I could make a decision. 

Then, in one of the areas, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye.  I glanced over, felt a little tug, but shrugged it off.  We moved to another area.  Then we came back around to the same spot, and the same thing kept pulling me in...these rocks that were sitting atop one of the headstones. 

For some reason, it just seemed like something Rowan would have done if he were walking around the grounds there.  I walked away again, but was once again pulled back.  Brian noticed the rocks too.  He loves rocks.  Ian always loved rocks.  Rowan always loved rocks.  All 3 had special rocks, or rock collections.  Finally, I realized why this was reminding me so much of Rowan in particular though...I scrolled back through my photos (a few months worth) and found these pictures:

See, the final leg of our trip to Seattle, the last night that we stopped along on our way there, we stayed at Bigfoot Bed and Breakfast in Mt. Hood, Oregon.  The morning before we got back in the van to continue on to Seattle, Rowan and I walked the grounds of that beautiful property.  We came upon this altar, and Rowan picked up a river rock (similar to the ones laying on the gravestone I kept noticing).  He laid it on the altar, folded his hands and said a silent prayer. 

It suddenly became very apparent, that me scrolling back through my pictures to find this memory, one of our last happy memories outside of the hospital...and then seeing those same rocks on the nearest grave...it was a sign from Rowan. 

This was the spot. 

This is where Rowan would be laid to rest...forever. 

His soul is in Heaven, but the place where his Earthly body will lay, where we will go and sit and pray and talk to him...he helped us pick out himself...while we were having trouble doing so...by showing me those river rocks...again.

Thank you Rowan.

I hope you like the spot we picked.  I hope I read the signs correctly.

Part 2: "The Clothes"

A lot of people dress their loved ones in their Sunday best when they bury them.  When it came time to choose what Rowan would be buried in, we didn't hesitate for a moment to decide.  It was his Sunday best too...but not what you might expect:)

If you knew Rowan, or ever cared for him in the hospital, then you know what he called Sunday.  It was his favorite day of the week, and he happily referred to it as "Shorty Short Sunday".  When Rowan was at home, there were no doctor appointments on Sunday, no clinic visits, no soccer, no play practice.  Sunday's he got to stay at home and "chillax" in his shorty shorts, his favorite Calvin Klein trunks.  He had every color imaginable, but his hot pink ones were usually reserved for Sunday.  The whole time we were in the hospital in Seattle, Rowan continued this tradition.  Asking me for his pink, fuschia or silky red Calvin Kleins every Sunday.  The nurses all adored this.

Rowan was also known for his big fluffy robes and light up slippers.  Zoe gave him the slippers for his 10th birthday, the day before he got admitted to begin chemo for his first transplant.  He LOVED them!  His favorite thing was to kick them off and try to see how far across the room he could send them, once he got back from a walk down the hall. 

The robes, he had several...red plaid, green plaid with a hood, bright green, and his favorite color, bright orange.  Every night at 10:00 pm while he was in the Cancer Care Unit at Seattle Children's (prior to moving down to ICU), Rowan would put on his fluffy robe and light up slippers, and push his ginormous IV pole down to the tub room for his bath.  The nurses all looked forward to it.  We joked that he looked like Hugh Heffner.  We had planned to buy a pair of adult size light up slippers, just like Rowan's, and raffle them off to give one of the nurses.  Rowan said the raffle tickets would be free of course.

Since he was a few weeks old, Rowan has used silky blankets to comfort him.  He had probably 20 or more of these satin on one side blankets.  If a nurse ever covered Rowan up, but laid one of his blankets with the warm fuzzy side down, he would gently clear his throat and point at it, saying "silky side down please".  It didn't take long to learn how he liked things.  As he grew older, the silkies didn't quite cover him, so I started sewing two of his old silky baby blankets together...they were the perfect size that way.  A dear friend (Thank you Becca) made one for him several years ago and embroidered his name on it on one corner, with the saying "Keep looking up, cuz that's where it all is" in the middle.  That was Kidd Kraddick's sign-off and well, you all know how much Rowan loved being a Kidd's Kid and raising money for the charity.  This particular silky was bright orange satin on one side, so it was obviously one of Rowan's favorites.

Finally, if you ever cared for him, during the first 10 years at Methodist Children's Hospital, or the final 6 months at Seattle Children's Hospital, you know what he loved to have in his hand at all times when he was sick in the hospital...his wubby.  They were his original pacifiers, with the little stuffed animals attached to them.  He had about 20 of those too.  He kept them for over 10 years.  He named them when he was little, so they were simply named: "green frog, yellow duck, black cat, blue horse, brown dog, blue bear, red dragon, etc..."  We started cutting the silicone nipple part off before he turned two, because he still loved holding them but was getting too old to have pacifiers.  For ten plus years, those wubbys were a source of great comfort to him.  I would give him a different one every 2 days so I could wash them, but his favorites for sure were OG Green frog: "original green frog", and his back up green frog: "green frog junior".  Green frog jr. was the last one he held in his hand before he passed.

So, when it came time to choose clothes and belongings to take to the mortuary, to have Rowan buried in...the choice was easy... his silky shorty shorts, orange fluffy robe, light up slippers, orange silky blanket and green frog jr. wubby.

But. putting all of those favorite items in a cardboard box, and dropping them off at a mortuary...that part was not easy, not by a long shot...

I love you and I miss you Rowan.

I've had 28 days without you...

but you've had 28 days with Jesus...