The holidays are not the same anymore...they just aren't. I wish I could lie to you and tell you they are, but they aren't.
The baby of our family, our youngest child...the only one who still believed in Santa...isn't here anymore. He's in heaven.
That changes everything.
Don't get me wrong, we rejoice for Rowan.
He is having "Christmas with Jesus", just like he was often comforted picturing his angel friends doing.
But us, down here...we miss him so immensely. The magic is missing from our Christmas plans. The joy is gone.
There was no elf on the shelf this year.
We did not leave cookies and milk for Santa, or a note asking him to find Rowan in the hospital (as we had to, more years than not).
We did not leave carrots and sugar for the reindeer.
We had a tree in remembrance of Rowan, but there were no presents under it for him.
We celebrated Jesus' birth, but we mourned the loss of
our baby boy at the same time.
I'm sorry. I wish I was stronger. I wish I had it all together. I really do... but I don't.
I appreciate everything we have. We love our other children. We are thankful for the time we had with Rowan. We believe we will see him again in heaven. We thank God for his life, and for our lives...every single day.
We have hope, but I'm not going to lie... the holidays are not the same...the magic, the joy, is gone.
Last year, Rowan had only been gone a few days...so we were numb. We were planning his funeral and burial last December and January. We were walking around in a fog. I don't even remember the holidays last year...it was too soon.
This year, we saw them coming. I tried to gather myself. I tried to regroup. I tried to prepare myself... but I dreaded the holidays all the same. I felt like I was on a runaway train as they approached.
This little voice kept whispering to me though, "do it anyway...it's not about me". It was Rowan's voice.
I didn't want to put up Christmas window clings...but I did it anyway.
I did not want to make a Christmas centerpiece, but I added an orange butterfly and I did it anyway.
I didn't want to put up a tree...but we did it anyway. We actually put up two, one for Rowan, and one for the whole family.
I didn't want to build fires, or blow up the huge Christmas hippo...
make a holiday meal, or even wrap presents...
(The hardest part was that these three wrapping papers that color-coordinated, were purchased for me last year in Seattle, while Rowan was still on dialysis in PICU. There were 8 days until Brian, Zoe, and Ian were set to arrive. A beautiful soul, a PICU nurse Jen, spent the day shopping for me. It was her day off... but she "did it anyway". I never got the chance to use this wrapping paper for my 3 kids last year...but this year, I was able to use it for my 2 kids. I used them to wrap Brian, Zoe and Ian's gifts' instead.)
The memories flooded back while I wrapped, folded and taped the packages...and I cried...but I "did it anyway".
It's what Rowan would want. He would want us all to LOVE our LIFE...no matter what. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. With or without him, Rowan would want us to LOVE our LIFE. So, I "did it anyway".
Many of you helped. Many of you sent cards, ornaments, messages, etc. Many of you tried to help us through these difficult days as best you could. Some of you were experiencing your own losses simultaneously...but you "did it anyway"!
Thank you all for your prayers and support. Thank you Rowan. Thank you Jesus.
Christmas will never be the same for our family, but we will celebrate it anyway...because it is not about us...
It's about Jesus. Our loved ones who have passed, they are the lucky ones...they are spending "Christmas with Jesus".
I love you and miss you every single day sweet boy...
holidays or not...
I miss you Rowan.
Merry Christmas with Jesus!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, Zoe & Ian
Christmas 2017
Last time I came to your page you were sharing leaves with heart shapes in them falling on you. I cried lots and even got a little mad at God for taking Rowan. I sat at my desk at work and cried, trying to hide it. I talked with God and really struggled with finding the good that day. It carried over that night and into the next day, my crying and talking with God. I worked out some feelings and started to feel a little better. At work the next day I went out of my way to step over a large brown leaf that was in my path. There are NO trees around my job. After I passed it I realized, there are no trees, how odd. Then I remembered it was brown like your leaf so I went back to look at it for some reason and clear as can be a heart shape was missing out of it. I fell to my knees in praise and prayer. It felt like God and Rowan were letting me know they were together and full of love and wanted me to know. That leaf is now hanging by desk, it has gotten stiff and fragile. I guard it closely. Today I had an urge to check on you and while reading your do it any way blog post I took of my sweatshirt from getting so hot from crying. When I did I saw I had my Rowan shirt on. I really dont remember wearing it, it too hit me hard. I can not even imagine how you feel and what your thoughts are like. I wanted to share this with you to let you know how much you and Rowan have strengthened my relationship with God and love for Jesus. Your family has changed my life forever. Love to all
ReplyDeleteMay God bless you!! I miss Rowan and cant wait to see him in Heaven! I think we will have pancakes in his honor tonight.