"The Ferris Wheel"

"The Ferris Wheel"

I've stared at this Ferris Wheel for hours, moments, days...

feels like years.

I never wanted to get on,

but I wasn't given a choice.

I know it will go up, but I also realize it will come down...

slowly...

painfully slowly.

The view must be beautiful,

so beautiful it will hurt.

I won't be able to breathe...

I'll barely be able to see...

I'll want it to come off it's hinges,

to roll slowly into the water...

to sink into silence.

One car at a time,

one click at a time,

one moment at a time.

But it won't do me that favor.

It can't.

How many cars are there?

How many times will it go around?

How many clicks until I can get off?

I can't tell.

I don't know.

It seems like an eternity.

Is it really as slow as it looks...

Yes, it is.

The fear doesn't go away.

The sadness never ends.

The view just changes (but only a little).

Car by car,

click by click,

moment by moment,

slowly...

painfully.

Who knew?  

Who knew that a glorious fantastical ride could cause this much pain.

If my only choices were to never get on, 

or never be able to get off...

I guess I'd choose the ride.

************

I'm on the Ferris Wheel now.

I'm on it...alone.

I'm crying,

or it's raining.

I can't tell which.

Maybe both.

Maybe the whole world is crying.

Maybe just me.

It stops at the top.

Oh God.

Please help me God.

I see everything.

Yet, I see nothing.

The car rocks gently,

then harder with my sobs.

I can't control it.

I can't make it stop.

the tears...

the rocking...

the ride...

I want it to start moving again,

but I also don't.

I just want down.

I just want off.

I just want out.

I snap pictures quickly.

 Maybe I'll be able to look at them,

and not feel terrified.

Maybe they'll look beautiful...
someday.

Until then,

all I can do is hold on

and breathe.

One tick at a time.

One car at a time.

one moment...

at a time.

The Ferris Wheel of grief.

written by 

(and ridden by) 

Carrie Windham 

7/20/2018