I spent the past couple days at the beach in Rockport, Texas. It's the first time I've been able to go to a beach for two years. I couldn't go back to South Padre Island yet... that was the last beach Rowan was ever on, just before we left for transplant two years ago. But even going back to Rockport, or any beach for that matter, was difficult. Rowan probably stepped foot on sand fewer than ten times in his life, and he wasn't able to enjoy the ocean depths like most of us can (we had to keep his central line out of oceans, rivers and lakes due to infection risks)...but boy did he LOVE being there when he could. He'd skip in the shore up to his knees, run away from the tide, laughing and screaming, build sand castles, write messages to his angel friends in the sand, raise his arms to the sky, soaking up the sun and the breeze, thanking God...loving his life. It was a sight to behold. The ocean is already a miraculous sight to behold... but watching Rowan there...there just aren't words. So few times, yet so many memories, and so much joy.
I almost didn't go this week. I didn't think I could. But I went anyway. I reminded myself how much Rowan loved it. I tried not to dwell on how sad I was that he wasn't there with me this time.
See, the beach has had a lot of symbolism for us over the years. Rowan saw so many signs at the beach in his short life, on his limited visits. He had multiple dreams and visions of his angel friends at the beach too, and he gave messages to their mommies from them.
- The first time he had me write "I miss you Chrissie" in the sand, a rainbow came out shortly afterwards and he cried tears of joy, with his arms up to the sky, saying "She loves it Mommy!" He even told me, "I'm hugging her and it feels pretty." He was barely 4 years old.
- A few years later, he dreamed about Natalie, watching over his younger angel friends in heaven, and he told me that she was the only one wearing shoes. He said they were flip flops. Later we learned that her grave (in Florida) had flip flops engraved on it, and that her mom still had a pair of her flip flops near the door where she had last kicked them off before she died suddenly in a tragic accident. He painted a picture for her Mom years ago, of Natalie's flip flops on the sand at a beach, in front of a beautiful sunrise.
- Rowan also had a dream about sweet Avery, holding her baby brother, and said that her brother was holding a baby boy or girl too. He explained that he wasn't sure if Carter was holding a boy or a girl, that God didn't exactly show him clearly, so he painted a picture to describe it. He painted a larger pink heart (Avery), with a smaller blue heart (Carter) on top of it, and then another heart that was half blue and half pink on top of that one. They were all on a sandy beach in front of a sunrise. He used his thumbprints and pinky prints to make each heart. After we sent the painting and explanation to Avery's parents, they called to tell me just how meaningful it actually was. They were pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl...no one knew yet...but somehow, Rowan painted it.
So you see, beaches have always been special in Rowan's life. He saw signs there. He felt the presence of angels there. God was there. This week I hoped I would see some signs too. I needed to, I really needed to. And I did, oh boy did I...
First of all, moments before I locked the door to the house to leave, I suddenly remembered a gift I had received. Over a year ago, sometime shortly after Rowan passed away, Natalie's mom sent me special flip flops...VERY special flip flops. I hadn't dreamed of being able to go back to a beach yet, so I had them tucked away in my closet...for over a year! but I ran upstairs, and found them immediately. It was meant to be. I threw them in the car and headed south.
It's one of the first things I did when I got there...I walked alone down to the sandy shore, tears in my eyes, talking to Rowan, wearing the special flip flops, remembering how much he loved the beach. They were precious! They left perfect imprints in the wet sand. I stepped again and again, crying tears of joy each time I lifted my feet up to take another step. They are truly a gift that just keeps giving. One foot in front of the other is all I have been able to manage for a year and a half, but these flip flops were reminders, that with each one of those steps, his mark on this world continues...
"Rowan"
"Love your Life"
… not just imprints in the sand, but in the hearts of so many.
Pam, I cannot thank you enough. As I told you, at first I was going to say, "You have no idea how much these mean to me", but then I remembered... you do, you honestly, truly do. You lost a child as well. Your angel now watches over Rowan and all of his angel friends, just as he described to me years ago... wearing flip flops in heaven.
Flip flops are synonymous with Natalie to me, just as they were to Rowan. I felt a little bit of heaven this week because of you, because of these priceless flip flops. Now they will forever remind me of our both of our angels. They left this world too soon for our hearts, but their footprints are forever imprinted in our souls, and in the hearts of others as well.
Thank you Pam, Natalie, Rowan, God,
from the bottom of my heart
and the soles of my awesome flip flops.
Rowan kept the signs coming while I was there at the beach in Rockport, bringing a smile to face and tears to my eyes many times in just 2 days.
As I walked the pier, these were both tied to a post... both orange... both God-winks...
As I drove back to the cottage from the beach, I saw this street sign...and when I looked at my photos later that night, I realized that it was an orange house on the corner of that street... so Rowan.
Then, this heart in the middle of the rocks, under the water. Rowan found hearts everywhere! Another God-wink.
Finally, (and I may be the only one who sees this, but I don't mind), some more orange caught my eye as I walked barefoot on the rocks near the water...
And later, while looking at and enlarging the photo, I noticed even more as I zoomed in on the orange spots...
Just above the orange area, I see a handprint under the water, with another heart on the outside edge of the palm... it's like he was waving at me:)
And finally, if you enlarge just the orange spot on the rocks, I see a hippo, facing left, mouth wide open... Rowan's favorite animal:)
As I said, I may be the only one who sees these particular signs, but that's ok. I am the one looking for them, I am the one taking the time to notice them, and I must be the one who needed them.
Rowan always told us, "there are signs everywhere, you just have to take the time to look for them". This week, I did.
Thank you for the reminders Rowan, thank you for the beauty of the ocean God, and thank you Cindy and Duane for the use of your cottage. It did my soul good.
I love you and I miss you Rowan, but I am keeping my eyes, ears and heart open baby.
560 days with Jesus...
I'm one day closer Rowan.
