I know it has been a little while since I have written a blog post. Its not because I have nothing to say, that's for sure. I actually have dozens of blog posts in mind that I want to share. Its just hard. Its hard to write, its hard to think, and yes, its even hard to breathe still. However, I do want to get back to my writing. It helps heal my broken heart, even if it's just a little.
Today I joined one of my dear friends, another bereaved mother, that most of you know very well, Jalene's Mom, Jen. We live an hour apart, our kids are buried even further than that from each other. So, we don't get to see each other as much as we would like. But we check in with each other often. Today we finally made it happen though. We spent the entire morning and early afternoon together.
The 3rd anniversary of Jalene's passing was this month on March 15th. Another mutual friend's family will be experiencing that same milestone tomorrow, March 26th. It will be the 3rd anniversary of Julian's passing. Today Jen and I went to both of their gravesites, Jalene's & Julian's. We cried, we smiled, we laughed a little, we hugged...we remembered these precious angels. 4 years old, 6 years old, 10 years old...we should not have lost our children as young as they were, but we did. It automatically made us members of a club that no parent wants to be in, but one I also believe we couldn't do without. We need each other. As you know, I have many more friends in that club. Rowan was sick his entire life. Many passed before him, some have now passed after him...we are all in different stages of this grief path, but we understand one another. When one is down, the other is often there to lift them up...but they may fall to their knees again days or even hours later.
Today, I cried more, but we were there for each other:
at Jalene's site today...
at Julian's site today...
I wish I didn't have so many friends who are in this group, who have lost a child...if I really think about it, I think more of mine have than have not. That is staggering, but that is my life, because it was Rowan's life. We hurt, oh how we hurt... but we help each other get through the dark days.
Jen, thank you for letting me pick you up and drive all over town today. Thanks for the conversation, the company, and the hugs. Jalene is so missed. She was so special. She still is.
Valerie, thank you for letting Jen and I go visit Julian's grave today too. I cried there, but I cried tears of sadness and peace. I remember multiple occasions when Rowan joined me there, along with your family. I'll never forget releasing the wounded bird that you all had brought back to life, or Rowan singing to you and Joe on that blanket in front of Julian's grave, singing Dancing in the Sky by Dani & Lizzy (all by himself, just for you two) "Tell me what does it look like in heaven...", or all the photos I took of Rowan with the beautiful bronze statues there in the beautiful children's garden. It is so peaceful there. I remember Rowan walking back to the car with me one year after we sat with y'all for a while there, and him telling me "Mom, when I die, only think happy thoughts ok. Julian's ok. I'll be ok too." What peace he received at your son's precious resting place. Today, I did too.
I love you ladies with all my heart. I love your families too. I know March is hard for you. Today I took flowers for Jalene and Julian, because it's what Rowan would have done if he were still here, it's what he did often.
They are together now. Now these bronze statues remind me of them all "playing tag in heaven" (as Rowan always described heaven from his dreams).
And Valerie, Jen even noticed the dog statue today, which I don't think I have noticed before...and it made me think of Rowan telling me that Julian is always surrounded by dogs in heaven.
God bless you all...all my grieving friends..."I know it's so nice up there since they've arrived"... I also know that "Here on Earth everything's different..." for us.
We are trying our best babies. We really are.
And knowing you are all together, is one of the ways we are getting through this.
