A beautiful sign of "Hope" this morning...

Some days are worse than others, and all nights seem worse than the days, at least in my grief experience thus far.  Last night was one of those bad nights for me.  I could not sleep at all.  Around 5 am, I gave up on sleep.  I got up, got dressed, and drove to the cemetery.  Once I got there, I laid on one of Rowan's favorite blankets next to his grave, missing him, talking to him, weeping.  If I am being completely honest, I imagined myself sinking down deep into the dirt, in that very spot...in my own plot, right next to his.  (I don't want to hear how morbid anyone thinks that sounds, or have anyone suggest that I am suicidal.  If you haven't lost a child...then you just cannot fathom the pain and despair that comes over you at times.  It comes in waves, and this was one of those moments.)  

As I lay there on the ground in the dark, and then at dusk, I cried out to God, pleading for him to show me that we will be okay.  I spent quite a bit of time curled up on that blanket, with my eyes closed tightly, praying.  I begged Rowan for a sign. 

Eventually I began to feel warmth, and see a bit of light through my eyelids.  I wiped my tears, and slowly opened my eyes. 

Dawn was breaking in the Hill Country.  The sun was rising up over the hill just beyond the cemetery...peeking through the trees. 

I snapped a few photos as I still lay weak on the ground, but it was so beautiful, I sat up to get a better picture.  Then I was awestruck.  The rays of sunshine (or "son-shine") were simply breathtaking...and they were landing directly on Rowan's grave...

specifically, on the little stone with the word "HOPE" etched into it. 

It was my sign...

from Rowan...

from God.

I cried tears of gratefulness, and then I began to journal...

and as I did, I heard Edwin's voice in my head, singing "Endless Night" at Rowan's memorial service...

"I know that the night must end, and that the sun will rise.  I know that the clouds must clear, and that the sun will rise...the sun will rise...the sun will rise." 

I was reminded that each night does eventually end...

that the sun does eventually rise...

and that I do still have "Hope"...

Thank you Rowan Jameson "Hope" Windham...

Mommy needed to feel your presence this morning, and I did...

I love you and I miss you.

I've had 227 days without you...

but you've had 227 days with Jesus!