Turns out I CAN go back to the zoo...

Today was the first time that I have been back to the San Antonio Zoo in 3 years, my first time without Rowan.  I'm not sure I would have ever gone back, except for Lily.  Lily is my adorable God-daughter.  She had her Daddy buy me a zoo pass for my birthday last month.  Today I met her, her Mommy and Daddy, and her brother Jake there.  I was really nervous that it would be too much for me emotionally.  Rowan loved the zoo so much.  It was one of his favorite places.  I wore my necklace with his picture on it, but I should have know that he would show me he was there with me in other ways too... I should have known.

As soon as I walked through the gate and had my pass scanned, a blue dragonfly buzzed past me and landed on the fence.  You might have to zoom in, but you should be able to see it on the middle post here.

I had so much fun watching Lily and Jake run from exhibit to exhibit.  

Jake promised to protect me from snakes, and he wanted to lead the way.  Lily held my hand as we walked.  

The hippos were Rowan's favorite, so I especially enjoyed sharing them with Lily and Jake.

When the kids went into the petting zoo area, to brush the goats and pigs, I stayed back and sat on a bench.  I wanted a moment to take it all in.  As I sat there reminiscing about all the times I had taken Rowan to the zoo, I suddenly noticed something...

...yep, someone was holding their child's "green frog" wubby…just like the one Rowan had for ten years (don't worry, we cut the pacifier off after the first couple years).  If you ever cared for Rowan in the hospital, any hospital, then you knew "green frog".  Rowan was buried with "Green Frog Jr." and I still have his original "Green Frog" with me.  It brought tears to my eyes instantly.  I knew it was another sign that Rowan was with me.

Thank you Lily and Jake.  Lily for holding my hand.  Jake for leading the way and protecting me.  And thank you Kristi & James for my zoo pass.  Turns out I CAN go back to the zoo...and I look forward to doing so with y'all again soon.

"Dragonflies and lemonade..."

Let me start by saying that Rowan had a lot of special things in his life... many things that are so very difficult to part with, because they hold such dear memories.  I can't just bring myself to donate the entirety of his room to Goodwill, or to hold a random garage sale...it just doesn't feel right.  I feel better about gifting items of his, as I feel led to, to either people who need the specific items, or to his special friends.  Christa received one of his favorite stuffed hippos, a painting she had made him and a couple other items, Khale received his medical chair/stroller, Sam got his bongos and his Minecraft book, Roman received his bike and helmet, etc. 

About 2 months ago, we needed to get a new fridge.  As I helped wheel the old one out to the garage, to await delivery of the new one, the men placed it in the corner of the garage.  It just so happened to be placed next to Rowan's lemonade stand...the one he and his siblings used to raise tens of thousands of dollars for Kidd's Kids over several years, prior to Rowan's death.  As I glanced up at it, my eyes filled with tears.  I ran my hand over the painted yellow and white wood, and I instantly pictured little Rowan standing behind the stand, with his red hair and bright blue eyes, serving his special "ginger lemonade".  I looked up at the top of the stand, at the sign on top, the one Zoe had hand painted while Rowan was in the hospital when he was just 6 or 7.  At first, in my head, I read it as "Lennon-aid" instead of "Lemonade".  Then I smiled, and thought to myself, "awwwww, Lennon".  Then it came to me...in that instant...Rowan was telling me to gift his lemonade stand to Lennon's family.  I closed my eyes, cried, and said "okay Rowan".  Honestly, it was not something I thought I would be able to give away anytime soon, but I was listening to my heart, to Rowan, and to God.  I trusted them all...it was time.  There was still life in it...still good to be made from behind it.

I talked to Zoe and Iris and we decided that maybe it should be "freshened up" or modified a little bit, so that it was ready for their family, and instantly we all 3 knew what we needed to do to it.  Over the next few weeks, we did just that...we prepared Rowan's lemonade stand for Lennon's family.  I messaged her Mommy, Marci and asked if it was something she would want...she confirmed that it was indeed something they would be honored to have.  I asked if her girls could use it to continue their late sister Lennon's legacy and be able to raise money for her memorial charity "Lennon-aid".  She said "definitely".  Iris drew their Lennon-aid logo and I hand-painted it.  I decoupaged photos of Lennon and Rowan on little wood plaques, so these angels' beautiful faces could forever be emblazoned on the stand.  Iris and I painted and added dragonflies to the sides of the stand because dragonflies are an important symbol and sign in the Walther families life since Lennon passed.

The stand was ready for them in time for Lennon's angel-versary this month, on June 1st, but Marci and I could not align our schedules in time...instead it was God's timing.  I dropped the lemonade stand off this past Thursday, early, early, in the morning before they had even woken up.  I placed all the pieces, and the bag of Rowan's left over supplies, near their garage and left it with a card.

Shortly afterwards, Marci started texting me.  She was up, had seen it and was in tears...happy tears.  I asked her to send me pictures of the girls once they were awake and had seen it too.  A few hours later, she did.  She sent me pictures and video.

(Just look at these precious faces!!!)

She and the girls had set it up and couldn't wait to do their first lemonade stand for Lennon-aid.  I texted her and told her to make sure to tell me when they did, so I could come try their lemonade and make a donation in memory of Rowan and Lennon.  She said "deal"!  Then...she started freaking out, texting me like crazy because of something that happened at that moment...a HUGE orange dragonfly landed by the stand!  She tried desperately to get a photo as it came and went, but she was unable to.  She told me that she had never seen an orange dragonfly, until that morning, just like she had never seen a bright pink dragonfly until one started to visit her after Lennon went to heaven.  And you may remember that I had a bright blue dragonfly stay with me for over an hour at the cemetery just a couple weeks ago when I was journaling to Rowan about Lennon's angel-versary, and another blue one visit me here at the house as I cleaned the stand up to give to them.

  We just cannot deny that these are signs from our sweet angels.  I never used to see dragonflies, but since I started getting this lemonade stand ready to give to Marci and her girls, they have been present...for myself and for Marci.  Thank you Lennon.  Thank you Rowan.  Keep them coming...pink, orange, blue, any color you choose.  It helps us feel your presence here on this side of the veil.  

Marci, I pray you and your family enjoy this lemonade stand for many years to come, that you raise lots of money for your charity Lennon-aid, that you make as many beautiful memories as we did.  Rowan's ginger lemonade recipe card used to say "if life gives you lemons, sell lemonade to help others"... but I love how you see it too... that we both "took the sourest lemon life has to offer and will turn it in to something resembling lemonade."  

Love you and yours!  This stand belongs to you now.

  I pray it gets visited by dragonflies again and again... until we are all reunited in heaven.

  As I learned from you... we are one day closer.

"Sunflowers friends and dandelion wishes": Rowan and Roman

Rowan's young friend Roman and his family were in town this weekend so we got together for lunch and then went to visit Rowan's grave. On the way to the cemetery, Peter, Roman and I went in HEB  to buy flowers. Roman picked out these beautiful sunflowers for Rowan.

Once we arrived at the cemetery I laid out my blanket and we sat down next to Rowan's grave.  As I started to lay my flowers at the base of Rowan's grave, Roman was about to do the same... but he didn't.  Instead, he looked around and took one of the sunflowers over to a more recently placed grave.  He stuck the sunflower into the ground, sticking straight up from the dirt, and told us "I planted it".  

He came back and got another one and "planted" it at our sweet friend Olivia's grave, which is just a few feet from Rowan's.  

He did this again and again, "planting" all of the beautiful sunflowers at other people's resting places. 

 Of course his sweet mom and dad apologized to me and asked him a few times, "Roman, don't you want to give some to Rowan?", but I reassured them that this was not just fine, it was perfect, it was what he was supposed to do.  I told them, maybe the other families need to see them there instead, and we smiled thinking that Rowan probably loved this... maybe Rowan even told him to do it;) 

 It was the sweetest thing!  I am sure that none of us will ever forget it.  

Just like last year, when Roman pulled out his little toy tractor and digger and started "digging" in the dirt that lay over his friend's grave, blowing the only dandelion we could see, before going over and leaving the toy on the grave of an infant nearby.  That toy remains there a year later, on a stranger's grave.  A priceless reminder, that there is no "right" or "wrong" way for a small child to visit the gravesite of another child.  At it's very core, it feels unnatural, unfair, and it is certainly unwritten... but it happens, and unfortunately, in the life of medically fragile children or children with rare diseases, it happens all too often.  Rowan lost way too many friends before he himself died... more friends than I have lost adults in my adult life.  I feel awful that Roman even has to visit Rowan at a cemetery.  I have zero expectations of how he should act when he is there.  But, he has behaved perfectly each time! Because he acts how he feels, and that is all we can ask or expect of a child.  And this time he wanted to "plant" sunflowers in these exact spots.  

And I am blessed to have been there to witness it.

I love this family so much.  We met via Facebook because our boys were battling the same rare disease as well as severe multiple food allergies, and neither of them had a bone marrow match available in the world.  We live about 3 hours apart, both in Texas.  Our boys are named Rowan and Roman... aka "the Texas RoRos".  After over a year of being "FB friends", we met half way just before we left for Seattle for transplant, so that we could finally meet in person.  Then, when Rowan started to really decline, they immediately packed up and flew to Seattle to see us.  They saw Rowan, from outside his sliding glass door, the last day before he slipped into a coma.  Him smiling and waving to Roman is one of the last videos I have before Rowan moved to the PICU, where he died 2 months later.  

We will be friends for life now, not just FB friends, true friends.

Now, let me back up a little bit...

When we met up with them in Austin, the first time Rowan and Roman met each other, the last thing Rowan did in the parking lot of the restaurant, was blow on a dandelion and make a wish.  

His wish was that Roman find his match.  Rowan also told me he couldn't wait until Roman got older so he could help teach him things, especially about how to deal with his disease.  He wanted to be like a big brother to him.  I'm sad that never got to happen, but I believe Rowan will always watch out for Roman from heaven.  He is now his guardian angel.  

Roman now has a little baby sister, Luciana.  The day she was born (before I even knew Nicole had gone into labor), I had a dream where Rowan was once again blowing a dandelion. This was so very meaningful because Luciana (thank you Jesus), is a  perfect, non SDS affected, match for Roman should he get to the point of requiring a transplant!  Rowan's dandelion wish came true.

I have been working on a gift for sweet baby Lulu for months.  I have not completely finished it, but once I knew they were coming to visit, I wanted to at least show it to the Shen's, so I brought it with me Saturday.  It is a baby quilt I made her.  The only thing left to do is hand-quilting the layers together.  

I made poor Nicole cry (I'm sorry), 

but I am so glad I was able to show it to them there at the cemetery.  It just felt right, giving it to them at Rowan's resting place.  

I know he was watching us, and I have no doubt that he added his love to the quilt.  

I used materials with special meaning to make this quilt, the most important being several prints that had dandelions on them, and on the back...material from the sleeves of 3 of Rowan's personal shirts...2 of his "Rally for Rowan" shirts, and his own Roman/"Brave Eggroll" shirt.  I hope to finish the hand-quilting this month so little Lulu can enjoy some tummy time on it, but I am beyond blessed to at least have photos of the beautiful Shen family with the quilt, sitting next to Rowan's grave.

Lulu, I promise to finish it soon so you can lay on it, play on it, and enjoy it...

And Peter... oh Peter.

Thank you for being you...

for being one of the most selfless, compassionate, human beings I have ever met.  

You are a rock to your family.  

Please know how great you are. 

And thank you for praying "talking to my boy" each time you visit.  

It means the world to me.